SIX FEET TALL, 300 POUNDS ?

  • 09/03/2017
  •  Jean Forteroche

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.

I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there's too many fat children. Save me, Jeebus. Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Some Confidence, Stupid!"

  1. Here's to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life's problems.
  2. You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity.
  3. When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

"Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion.

Bart, with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! Inflammable means flammable? What a country. I've done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!

  • I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
  • Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*
  • I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer? No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

I'll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns." Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.

Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Ahoy hoy? Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! I'll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?!

When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he's holding a gun. Look out, Itchy! He's Irish! This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie "The Never Ending Story."

Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about! Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.

Inflammable means flammable? What a country. I didn't get rich by signing checks. "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion.

And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Please do not offer my god a peanut. Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Some Confidence, Stupid!"

You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

I'll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I work.

Human contact: the final frontier. D'oh. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird," and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?

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