OH, EVERYTHING LOOKS BAD IF YOU REMEMBER IT

  • 09/03/2017
  •  Jean Forteroche

Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.

You don't win friends with salad. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?! Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird," and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?

Last night's "Itchy and Scratchy Show" was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever. * Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

Ahoy hoy?

How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!

  1. …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
  2. When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
  3. Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn. When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

  • That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.
  • Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train!
  • Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!

The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about! The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…

Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. Look out, Itchy! He's Irish! Look out, Itchy! He's Irish! Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. I hope I didn't brain my damage.

The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie "The Never Ending Story."

I didn't get rich by signing checks. He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?! I stand by my racial slur. Inflammable means flammable? What a country. Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.

Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that's a *really* useful invention! Thank you, steal again. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. I stand by my racial slur. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.

Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Some Confidence, Stupid!" No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

I didn't get rich by signing checks. Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who's been screwing with this thing? But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds… Oh, I've wasted my life.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

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