AND HERE I AM USING MY OWN LUNGS LIKE A SUCKER

  • 09/03/2017
  •  Jean Forteroche

And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.

I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.

Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours.

Duffman can't breathe! OH NO! Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Some Confidence, Stupid!"

  1. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!
  2. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.
  3. Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.

You don't win friends with salad.

You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!

  • But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds… Oh, I've wasted my life.
  • I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
  • Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns." Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours. …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway. You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…

I'll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours.

Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Bart, with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie "The Never Ending Story."

I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies. Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!

I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

Marge, just about everything's a sin. Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom. Duffman can't breathe! OH NO! Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three "Highlander" movies.

They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?! Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!

Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. Here's to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life's problems.

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