A WOMAN IS A LOT LIKE A REFRIGERATOR

  • 09/03/2017
  •  Jean Forteroche

How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city! Jesus must be spinning in his grave! A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P. S. I am not a crackpot. D'oh. And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Ahoy hoy?

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

  1. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I work.
  2. I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.
  3. And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

  • Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?
  • And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
  • Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

I was saying "Boo-urns." Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…

He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?! Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…

Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk. Look out, Itchy! He's Irish! A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.

Save me, Jeebus. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Bart, with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. You don't win friends with salad. I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. You don't win friends with salad. "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion.

Stan Lee never left. I'm afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Marge, just about everything's a sin. Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom.

Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird," and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me? And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. Please do not offer my god a peanut.

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk. I've done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!

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