SAVE ME, JEEBUS

  • 09/03/2017
  •  Jean Forteroche

Duffman can't breathe! OH NO!

Duffman can't breathe! OH NO! Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! I've had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Homer no function beer well without. He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?! And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.

Save me, Jeebus.

I'll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.

  1. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
  2. I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
  3. You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!

I didn't get rich by signing checks. This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie "The Never Ending Story." Ahoy hoy? Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?

  • When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
  • What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
  • Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Here's to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life's problems. I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Some Confidence, Stupid!"

How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Some Confidence, Stupid!"

Thank you, steal again. Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours. Last night's "Itchy and Scratchy Show" was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train! Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours. Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

I've done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! Marge, just about everything's a sin. Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom.

And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds… Oh, I've wasted my life.

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train! What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds… Oh, I've wasted my life. Ahoy hoy? I didn't get rich by signing checks. "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion.

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. Inflammable means flammable? What a country. Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.

I stand by my racial slur. …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night. Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

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